They set
themselves up here by using "bad" in the title. Of course,
Director Ted Nicolaou (Subspecies) obviously wasn't taking the material
seriously... but how can you consider the idea of Aliens taking over
a radio station seriously? Martha Quinn, original MTV VJ, plays
a reporter on the case, and does a pretty good job actually. The
story could have been handled better by Troma perhaps, as the Rock N'
Roll theme is just tacky. The aliens are abducting young women
who are listening to the broadcast, even though a DJ "Dangerous
Day O'Day" is broadcasting to people NOT to listen. It's
a completely silly concept, and the special effects are the worst I've
seen from Full Moon. The Alien's head looks like a gigantic terd,
and the robot was basically "Servo" from Mystery Science Theatre.
Regardless of all this, I did enjoy the movie, the soundtrack featured
stuff from Keel, Blue Oyster Cult and some others so it was enough to
keep me watching.
FEAR FACTOR: 2
- STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 6 - SFX: 3
BASKET
CASE - 1982
- FRANK HENENLOTTER
Sick and
funny. That says it all right there. It's the story of a
young man and his surgically separated Siamese twin brother who he carries
around in a basket. The two go to New York to find the "hacks"
that performed the operation to separate the two years earlier and the
mayhem ensues. While it's not as strong as Troma's sarcasm and
over-the-top gore, it has that same wit. Henelotter it's trying
to scare as much as he his trying to disgust. The blood effects
are some of the best I've seen, and even though the creature special
effects are primitive, they are actually quite scary... and funny in
a sick way. The screams emitted from the monster are quite
disturbing. Nenelotter is also known for the cult-classic "Brain
Dead"
FEAR FACTOR: 6
- STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 2 - SFX: 4
BARBARIAN
QUEEN - 1986 - Director: Hector Olivera
Before there
was "Xena", there was "Ametha: Barbarian Queen".
You should be able to tell from the tagline this movie should not be
taken seriously, "Nobody Could Touch Here Naked Blade".
Leggy Lana Clarkson stars as "Amethat" in this ridiculous
Barbarian story that is basically the same plot at "Conan".
The Evil Empire wipes out a village except for a few survivors who are
bent on revenge. How ironic that all them are females that looked
like they just walked off the set of "Charlie's Angels".
I don't think this was a comedy, but I literally laughed out loud on
numerous occasions. Another ironic part of the film is that all
the heroes are women, it's obviously all about how women can kick some
ass like the guys... but these women all happen to appear topless and
are wearing next to nothing. And since when did they have perms
back then?? I could go on, but you get the point. There
is action here, but it's so lame it's comical. The only really
suspense is whether you'll ever get to see Lana Clarkson topless...
all I can say about that is "nice rack".
FEAR FACTOR: 2
- STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 5 - SFX: 2
BARBARIAN
QUEEN - 1992 - Director: Joe Finley
More action,
more adventure, more stupid speeches and a lot more cleavage.
Lana Clarkson returns as the blonde bombshell destined to fall out of
her leather brassiere at least 4 or 5 times during the film. Let's
face it, these movies are made for teenage boys to get their jollies
off, or for comedic purposes. The action very weak again as the
fight scenes look like a "Three Stooges" short. Lana
Clarkson spends some on the dreaded "rack" again, which makes
up for a LOT of the movies weaknesses. Clarkson is a throwback
to the 70's bombshell's like Bo Derek, Raquel Welch, and any babe to
strapped on a bikini in a "James Bond" film. Besides her stunning
looks, she is quite likeable which helps the movie dramatically.
The overacting that occurs is thankfully done tongue-in-cheek or at
least I HOPE they aren't taking this serious. If you like your
blondes around 6'0 tall, busty, and dumber than a post, this movie is
perfect for you.
FEAR FACTOR: 2
- STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 5 - SFX: 3
BATTLEFIELD
EARTH - 2000
Almost everything
about this movie stinks. It's based on a book by Elron Hubbard,
it's the year 3000 and aliens led by John Travolta have taken over Earth
and are mining it for it's gold to help save their world... or at least
I THINK that's what's going on. The dialogue is so bad it's painful
to watch. I felt sorry for Forest Whitaker, who plays an alien
alongside Travolta. He's been in so many good films in the past,
I can imagine he cringes when he hears the two words "Battlefield
Earth". The renegade human who's supposed to be the hero
is so hard to like, you almost would rather have Travolta as your leader...
now THAT'S scary, for all the wrong reasons. For hardcore Sci-Fi
fans, there is a good battle at the end, but by then most people have
turned it off so it's all for naught.
FEAR FACTOR:
2 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: N/A - SFX: 7
THE
BEAST WITHIN - 1982 - Director: Phillipe Mora
Creepy is
the best way to describe this film, but it doesn't do it justice.
Michael MacCleary is a young man with some problems... apparently he's
part of a communities deep dark secret that includes cannibalism, murder,
rape and downright weirdness. In some ways the story reminds me
of "I Was A Teenage Werewolf" with Michael Landon. Michael's
slow turn to madness is disturbing to say the least. The cast
makes this one more believable with veterans like Ronny Cox, Luke Askew,
R.G Armstrong, Bibi Besch and L.Q. Jones. The mystery behind the
murders and Michael's madness is quite intriguing, but director Phillipe
Mora takes it a little to far where it becomes more confusing and annoying.
However, this is Mora's best work in my opinion, of course after "Howling
I and II" that might not be saying much. Mora does have a
good feel for absurdity, there's a couple murder scenes that are simply
to weird for words. There's no doubt this is B-Movie Gore and
Horror with better than average actors.
FEAR FACTOR:
7 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 3 - SFX: 4
BEOWULF
- 1999
This modern
update of the great Scandinavian Warrior "Beowulf" is basically
an excuse for a cheesy Martial Arts movie tat reminds one of the Mortal
Combat films. The techno background music is even the same.
Christopher Lampbert again wields the sword reminiscent to the Highlander
Series, but I swear his character spend half the movie doing back-flips
trying to get away from "Grendel". The special effects
are pretty good, but the movie is generally annoying. I don't
even pretend to know much about the Beowulf story, but I know he wasn't
from France and he probably didn't have a short bleach blonde Caesar
haircut. For some reason, they decided to ad in things like working
loudspeakers, which made no sense considering that Beowulf was set in
the Sixth Century. Oh well, Metal Band Anthrax had a cool song
running during the credits, and Gravity Kills also contributed to the
soundtrack. This one will offend the intelligence of anyone over
the age of 25 most likely, it's best suited for teens, and maybe fans
of Hercules and Xena will find it somewhat appealing, although it doesn't
contain any tongue in cheek humor.
FEAR FACTOR: 4
- STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 6 - SFX: 4
BEYOND
THE DOOR: 1974
Perhaps
a better title would be "Beyond Crap!". This one is
unbearable to watch, even for comedic purposes. It's part "Rosemary's
Baby" part "The Exorcist" but mostly garbage. The
filming, the editing, the lighting, the script, the dialogue and the
acting were all horrible. If you can sit through this you deserve some
sort of award. Followed by sequels... although I'm not sure why.
Richard Johnson (The Haunting) played a role in this one, which I'm
sure he regrets.
FEAR FACTOR: 4
- STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 6 - SFX: 4
BIG
TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA - 1986
When this
movie came out in 1986 it was considered a bit of a flop. It's
a big budget roller-coaster ride with lot's of effects and fast paced
action brought to you by John Carpenter (The Thing, Vampires, Escape
From New York). Carpenter is well-known for his use of special
effects, and this one is no different. What's ironic is that this
one seems to have aged well, it's had more success on video and cable
than in the theatres and it's a guilty pleasure for a lot of fans.
Kurt Russell plays a big-talking hero named Jack Burton, who's character
is very much like Bruce Campbell's "Ash" in "Army Of
Darkness", full of good intentions, but seems to cause more harm
than good. It's a very funny role for Russell, some of the cheesy
lines still crack me up. He's almost like hapless John Wayne.
The story is a little hard to follow, there's too many names to remember
and too many sub-characters, but the basis is almost a vampire story.
There's an evil sorcerer who must find a Chinese girl with green eyes
to make himself whole again. Lot's of great Kung-Fu action reminds
one of a Jackie Chan movie, which may be why this one still remains
popular with fans.
FEAR FACTOR:
4 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: N/A - SFX: 6
BLACK
ROSES - 1988
This movie
fails in every possible way except for the KICK ASS soundtrack.
Yes, I'm a child of the 80's, so when the movie kicked off with one
of my all-time favorites, "Lizzy Borden" and a killer track,
"Me Against The World" I was stoked. At first I don't
remember how I didn't catch this back then as I was totally into the
80's Metal scene, then after about 10 minutes I was glad I did miss
it. This movie is just bad. It had some potential to make
some sort of point but failed miserably. In 88' the PMRC was all
over these bands for their lyrics and on-stage AND off-stage antics.
At first I thought this movie was mocking the PMRC but when you
really look at it, this movie accidentally supports their cause.
It's all about a Heavy Metal band that comes to a small town to play
some shows as a "warm up" to a big tour. They fool
the parents into thinking their safe and then proceed to hypnotise the
kids and influence them to random acts of violence... which is so lame
it's scary for the wrong reasons. The scene where the hero fights off
a demon with a tennis ball and racket is so bad it's worth the rental
alone. I do know the scene where the son shoots the dad point
blank would never be allowed on screen today. If parents weren't
paranoid about this bands before, they certainly would be afterwards.
Carmine Appice (Vanilla Fudge, Rod Stewart, King Kobra) is the drummer
of the Black Roses The soundtrack consisted of Lizzy Borden, King Kobra,
Hallow's Eve and more.
FEAR FACTOR:
3 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 6 - SFX: 4
BLADE
- 1998 - Director: Stephan Norrington
The best
Kung Fu Vampire movie ever... Seriously, this one is a fun roller coaster
ride starring Wesley Snipes as "Blade" based on the comic
strip of the same name. Blade is half human, half vampire, but
there's no doubt which side he's on. He and his partner "Whistler",
played by Kris Kristofferson, have waged war on the blood-suckers with
some of the coolest high-tech vampire killin' tools you've ever seen.
Stephan Dorff is Deacon Frost, the over-achieving vampire who has no
problem killing his own kind to move ahead. This is a big-budget
Hollywood movie, which sometimes means it will rely on the effects rather
than the characters and story, this one has it all, the story, the characters
that you care about, and some of the best effects you'll see on the
big screen. You will probably find this one under "Action"
rather than "Horror" as the fight scenes are pretty intense.
FEAR FACTOR:
4 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 2 - SFX: 8
THE
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT - 1999
If there
were ever three bigger morons that deserved to get lost in the woods,
I'd like to know about it. This movie is more about some fantastic
marketing that a credible movie. The entire movie is shot with
a hand held video camera by three annoying Generation X kids who dress
like they just left the set of a Pearl Jam video. The ONLY reason this
movie did what it did at the box office was the fact that a lot of people
thought it was real video footage. In reality, I almost it's painful
to watch, every other word out of their mouth's is "F--k"
and you're almost guaranteed to get sea sick if you saw this in a theatre.
A couple years after it's release, it had already lost it's luster and
is doomed to be nearly forgotten in years to come, except by those who
were in college at the time it came out, to them for some reason it's
cool. To reiterate, brilliant marketing, stupid movie... it didn't
help that the sequel was even worse. True fans of horror will generally
be offended by this pop-culture phenomenon.
FEAR FACTOR:
4 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 9 - SFX: 2
BLOODRAYNE
2 - 2007 - Director: Uwe Boll
This film
is even bad by Uwe Boll standards, who has become everyone's "love
to hate" director. He's known for taking video games like "Bloodrayne"
and making them into movies, often with scathing reviews. While I generally
have found his films entertaining with over the top action and stupid
dialouge, this film only contains the latter. His budget is a fraction
of the first film and there's very little action. And if you can sit
through the idea of Billy The Kid and his gang as vampires, you have
more patience than I do. This is the kind of film that really dissapoints...
you expecting little and you get less. I can deal with bad film-making
but not if it's bad from sheer laziness. FEAR FACTOR:
2 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 5 - SFX: 3
BLESS
THE CHILD - 2000 - Director: Chuck Russell
"Children
Of The Corn" meets "The Sixth Sense" meets "The
Seventh Sign"... should I continue? I think you get the idea.
This is your slightly above average religious Thiller about a Cult who
are known for murdering young children. Sound's nice eh? To their
credit they keep potential tasteless exploitation out of the mix.
Kim Basinger plays a single mother, who's daughter has been basicaly
kidnapped by the cult leader, played very well by Rufus Sewell (Dark
City). It's your basic Good Vs. Evil plot with some very good
acting and a so-so story. Jimmy Smits plays the cop on the case
who's trying to find Sewell's character "Eric Stark" and put
an end to the murders. There's some tense moments between Sewell
and the young girl "Cody" played by Holliston Coleman.
It's better than other's of this era, like "Stigmata", but
doesn't live up to "The Sixth Sense".
FEAR FACTOR:
6 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: N/A - SFX: 5
BLOOD
SURF - 2000 - Director: James D.R. Hickox
This one,
like many B-Movie films, get's it's story from current events and other
popular films. Somehow they blend the movie "Lake Placid"
together with the Shark attacks going on in Australia and Florida.
A group of film-makers go to Australia to film a couple Morons surfing
with Sharks. I mean, they literally put raw meat in the water
and cut themselves to attract them! So, where does "Lake
Placid" come in? Well, is turns out the least of their worries
are the sharks when a giant salt water Crocodile shows up. This
movie doesn't take itself seriously at all, in fact within the first
5 minutes they refer to "Jaws". This movie will most
likely insult the intelligence of anyone over 25, but again, I don't
think director James D.R. Hickox was out to impress anyone, but rather
make something loaded with action, blood, some sex and really stupid
victims. For that he succeeds. Unfortunately, there's some
really bad special effects at the end that seem to have been thown together
when the money ran out.
FEAR FACTOR:
5 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 8 - SFX: 4
BLOODRAYNE
2 - 2007 - Director: Uwe Boll
This film
is even bad by Uwe Boll standards, who has become everyone's "love
to hate" director. He's known for taking video games like "Bloodrayne"
and making them into movies, often with scathing reviews. While I generally
have found his films entertaining with over the top action and stupid
dialouge, this film only contains the latter. His budget is a fraction
of the first film and there's very little action. And if you can sit
through the idea of Billy The Kid and his gang as vampires, you have
more patience than I do. This is the kind of film that really dissapoints...
you expecting little and you get less. I can deal with bad film-making
but not if it's bad from sheer laziness. FEAR FACTOR:
2 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 5 - SFX: 3
BLOODY
BIRTHDAY - 1981 - Director: Ed Hunt
Those little
BASTARDS! You'll be saying this all through the film about three
eleven years olds on a rampage. They were all born on the same
day during an eclipse, which blocks out Saturn, the planet that apparently
gives us our emotions. Yes, it's a stretch, but it makes for one
sick and twisted story. Young Billy Jayne all to convincing as
the demented little nerd "Curtis". Elizabeth Hoy is
just about as disturbing as little "Debbie". Granted,
there's hardly any setup for the story, but you figure out what's going
on in a hurry. These little bastards are just plain mean, and
their cuteness and age protect them from ever becoming suspects when
people are being murdered left and right. This one might be better
know for Julie Brown's (Earth Girls Are Easy, Strip Mall) nudity scene.
FEAR FACTOR:
6 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 4 - SFX: 4
BODY
SNATCHERS - 1993 - Director: Abel Ferrara
This big-budget
film isn't a true remake of "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers"
from 1956, but rather a different story of the same alien race that's
trying to take over the world. Personally, I find the entire
concept quite disturbing so all versions of this movie are frightening
to me. You really have three different eras of film-making with
1956, the second in 1978 and this one in 1993 so it's hard to compare
the three movies on the same level. This one was done very well
with some great acting and special effects. What makes this one
especially disturbing is the fact that the "invasion" takes
place on a military base, the people that are supposed to be protecting
the rest of us! When a family moves onto the military base, the
youngest child is the first to discover things are right. His
classmates are all drawing nightmarish pictures and trying to get him
to take a nap. Meg Tilly has a smaller role as the mother, but
here exotic and evil demeanour are very disturbing (ooops, I gave something
away!) Before I do anymore damage, I highly recommend this one,
you don't have to have seen the movies before, and this one portrays
the most frightening version of the monster menace. Billy Wirth
(The Lost Boys) and Gabrille Anwar (The Grave) are effective as the
lead roles.
FEAR FACTOR:
4 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 8 - SFX: 6
THE
BONEYARD -
1991 - Director: James Cummins
Can any
movie with Phyllis Diller AND Norman Fell be worth renting? The
answer is "yes"... for the most part. This film has
all the elements of a great horror flick, the gore, the scares and suspense
and characters you want to care about. It's mostly a "Zombie"
flick but takes some different twists and turns. Debrah Rose plays
a psychic who is lured out of retirement to help solve the murders of
children in the area. Rose isn't your typical heroine, which makes
this more enjoyable. She's a little overweight, if that's the
political correct way to say it, and proves the stereotypical heroine
doesn't have to be a silicon beauty. You really do care about
her. The films boasts some very scary moments that are sure to
make you shiver a little. We've all scene Zombies, the the "undead"
in this one are basically children, and thanks to Director James Cummins
use of special effects and lighting, they are really quite disturbing.
Phyllis Diller is cast perfectly and Norman Fell has a minor role as
Doctor in a Morgue. There's a few scenes that almost ruin this
film, or at least take the sting out of the fear factor, but in the
end it doesn't diminish what is a damn good B-Movie.
FEAR FACTOR:
7 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 3 - SFX: 6
BOOK
OF SHADOWS: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT 2 - 2000
A blatant
attempt at a quick buck this sequel plays off the obsession so many
had with the first movie, specifically all the wackos that actually
showed up in Burkitsville, the small Maryland town where the first movie
originated around. The plot is basically, well, stupid.
I can't even get into it without spoiling the ending. I can say
this, a group of college students and researches get stinking drunk
and don't remember what they did when the wake up the next morning in
their campsite. The special effects are good as there was a considerably
bigger budget this time around, but while the first movie was at least
somewhat original, this one is anything but. What this fails to
do it get you to care for any of the cast, so you really don't care
what happens to them, which in turn takes a lot of the fear out of the
story.
FEAR FACTOR:
4 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 8 - SFX: 6
THE
BLOB - 1988
A fun remake
of the original 1958 movie starring Kevin Dillon (Platoon). It's
hard to compare movies that are made 30 years apart from each other,
but I would have to say this is a case where the remake is more entertaining
than the first. This doesn't necessarily mean it's better, but
let's face it, the idea of huge slimy object that consumes all life
in it's path can hardly be taken too seriously. Director Chuck
Russell (The Mask, Scorpion King) does a nice job with the silly story
and makes the "blob" less of a giant monster menace and more
of a serial killer. I remember the first movie scaring me as a
child, but later the effects seemed cheesy. This movie lives and
dies by it's specials effects and Russell and his team make it believable
with copious amounts of gore. Put it this way, a man is literally
sucked down a drain on a sink... definitely more disturbing than scary.
This is a great man vs. monster survival movie, turn out the lights
and enjoy the classic horror style fun.
FEAR FACTOR:
5 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 3 - SFX: 6
BLOOD
DOLLS - 1999 - Director: Charles Band
From the
producer of "Puppet Master" comes "Blood Dolls",
which is basically an off-shoot of the series that really pull Full
Moon on the map. The dolls or puppets in this one have a more
modern theme and look, which include a pimp. This one also includes
dominatrix, midgets, a dude with the head the size of a doll on a regular
sized body, and guy who's wears clown makeup and nice suits. Overall,
the story is fairly silly and hard to follow, and there's no real "good
guys", just different levels or greedy weirdoes. It's entertaining
in a sick way, I found it rather amusing that "Mr. Travis"
the owner of the Blood Dolls also keeps an All-Female band in a cage
and randomly forces them to play his favorite tunes by use of shock
treatment. It's all messed up in the classic Charles Band formula,
which is always interesting, to say the least, especially the two different
endings.
FEAR FACTOR:
3 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 6 - SFX: 4
BODY
PARTS - 1991 - Director: Eric Red
This concept
may sound a little silly, a man loses his arm in a car accident and
has a serial killer's arm attached. You know already what's going
to happen don't you... the arm starts taking control of him, an that's
not the worst part. Jeff Fahey (The Lawnmower Man) plays Bill
Chrashank, a phsycologist who is trying to cope after extensive rehabilitation
from an experimental procedure to reattach his limb. Now back to the
worst part, the rest of the body wants it's arm back! Fahey plays
this role extremely well as a man who's not only lost his arm, but now
is in danger of losing his sanity and his family. Director Eric
Red, who wrote one of the most intense films of all time, "The
Hitcher", creates some great tension here. The musical score
is equally as menacing. If you have a good enough imagination,
this one can be quite disturbing, but if you just can't get past a questionable
story line, you won't have near as much fun.
FEAR FACTOR:
7 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 2 - SFX: 6
THE
BREED - 2001 - Director: Michael Oblowitz
Smart and
gothic tale set in the future where Vampires have "come out of
the casket" so to speak and are attempting to live alongside humans.
This is another twist on the old Vampire story, but unlike some others,
this one works. When you break it down, it's a "buddy"
film about partners put together who at first don't particularly care
for each other. Adrian Paul (Highlander Series) and Bokeem Woodbine
make up the duo who are in search of a Vampire who's not making it easy
for them to fit in with the humans by going around killing them.
There's some strong messages about race relations here in the film that
are handled well, without going overboard. The settings are fantastic
and the action is good. It's not in the same league as "Blade"
of this same era, but will easily please those fans.
FEAR FACTOR:
5 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: N/A - SFX: 6
BRIDE
OF FRANKENSTEIN - 1935 - Director: James Whale
Many people
still consider this a "Horror" film, when in fact that's just
the surface of many layers. This is a story of acceptance and
true love. It's a story of humanity, God and immortality. Finally,
it's a story of good and evil. James Whales, who also directed "Frankenstein"
has implemented copious amounts of humor into this sequel as well.
To see the monster smoking and stomping his feet to the fiddle is quite
a sight. Still, the movie is about the re-animation of life, and
has very gothic images and wonderful settings that are perfect for Horror.
Dr. Henry Frankenstein (Colin Clive) meets up we a man even more twisted
than himself, Dr. Pretorius (Earnest Thesiger) who convinces Henry to
take up his experiments. They decide to make the monster a mate,
thus the "Bride", played by Elsa Lanscaster. The quality
is this film is one of the best of this era, and the script is extremely
smart, but as I mentioned before, this may not be the scary film you
think it is. For those who have seen "The Munsters"
and "Young Frankenstein" before this one, you will pick up
on a lot of the influences created by this film. It truly is a
masterpiece and an immensely influential film.
FEAR FACTOR:
7 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: 2 - SFX: 6
BRUISER
- 2000 - Director: George Romero
A wonderful
piece of work from "Night Of The Living Dead" director George
Romero. It's a story of retribution, about standing up for yourself
and about... masks. Jason Flemyng (Rock Star) play Henry Creedlow,
an advertising exec who is pushed around by his wife, his boss and his
stock-broker. He is given a blank mask at a party where is supposed
to decorate to fit his personality. The mask ends up "becoming"
his face leading to him facing his demons before he goes completely
mad. You have to see this movie to really get the idea of what's
going on, it's not as wacked out as a Croneberg film, but there's some
deep subject matter that leads this one to be more of a Psychological
Thriller than true horror. Peter Stormare (Fargo, Armageddon)
steals the show as Creedlow's incredibly obnoxious, racist and sexist
boss. This film is more along the lines of "Season Of The
Witch" than his Zombie flims, but much more interesting and with
a very good plot.
FEAR FACTOR:
7 - STUPID VICTIM SCALE: N/A - SFX: 5
